According to Dr. Robert Epstein in an article in Scientific American Mind, about half of first marriages fail in the U.S as do two thirds of second marriages, and three quarters of third marriages.
The key to having good relationships is communication. Personally given how important relationships are to our well-being—to love, be loved, and feel loved back—learning how to communicate and to undo our negative relationship patterns is the real work of our lifetime.
It is through relationships that we have the opportunity to come to really know ourselves and, therefore, have the greatest potential for self-development. Dr. Gottman has been studying couples for years and has identified the key destructive communication behaviors. His research is so compelling he is able to predict with about 94% accuracy which couples he observes will divorce.
Here are the four key relationship breakers:
- Criticism: especially if done in a complaining all or nothing way such as: “You always talk about yourself. You are so selfish.”
- Being Derisive: statements that come with a ridiculing tone are the kiss of death for relationships.
- Defensiveness: self-protection and being defensive go together. As I have pointed out in other posts, this is suggestive of having complexes that puts you in the role of the victim. We want to take responsibility for our actions as best we can and stopped blaming. Example: “It’s your fault we are always late.”
- Giving the Cold Shoulder: stonewalling otherwise known as emotional withdrawal is another relationship blocker. This type of communication is passive aggressive. We need to learn to communicate no matter how charged the situation. I love the work of Marshall Rosenberg for helping to develop this skill.
What we are all looking for is someone who loves you, for better and for worse. This means someone who sees and appreciates you for who you are… not who they want you to be. There is still a lot of wisdom to the book written years ago by Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. People like people who give them their undivided attention, really listen to them and allow them to talk about themselves.
This is one of the key reasons why therapy works… having someone who listens to you, looks you in the eye, allows you to talk about yourself and what you are interested in is also a reason people report they fall in love with each other.
Recently I have been doing more and more coaching to help people identify and overcome negative relationship patterns. This includes working on communication because it is the key to having satisfying ones.
Would love to hear what you think works in relationships.
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